1. Love-Bombing: The Honeymoon Phase
Have you ever been in love with someone who swore they loved you too, but the more they insisted that they loved you, the more you realized you’d never felt more unloved in your life? You probably pushed that thought out of your mind every time it popped in, at least at first. Maybe you still do.
But you’re being silly, right? He told you that you were being silly. Of course he loves you! He’s told you he loves you “hundreds of times now,” as he put it. In fact, he was getting sick of having to say it, tired of you constantly questioning him. You’ve been together for years, and you still need constant validation. No honeymoon lasts forever; there’s nothing wrong with your relationship. You’re just insecure. Maybe if you got back into your old routine- eating clean, going to the gym a few times a week- you’d feel better about yourself and this wouldn’t even be an issue.
But remember how perfect it was when you first started dating? Remember that night you told him you’d never believed in love at first sight until you met him, and he said he was just about to say the same thing? He talked about how he felt such a connection with you, like you were both feeling and thinking the same things. Remember that time he made dinner, how sweet it was? He kept making excuses for the food and said he’d never cooked, but he remembered your second date, when you said Chicken Parmesan was one of your favorite meals so he’d learned how to make it so he could surprise you. Remember the phone calls to make sure you’d made it home safe, and the card he gave you to mark six months since your first date? He’d gone out to buy a card, but he couldn’t find one that was just right, so he’d made it himself because he wanted it to be perfect.
Does that sound familiar?
2. Isolate: Your World Gets Smaller
You used to get cards to mark dates that weren’t special to anyone except you and him. Now? It’s been almost two weeks since your birthday, and he hasn’t mentioned it.
You thought maybe he was pretending he’d forgotten and had a surprise planned. But now it’s been long enough that bringing it up would just make you sound petty.
You don’t work anymore, since he told you it would be better if you quit your job. “They don’t appreciate you,” he said. He didn’t mind working longer hours to make up for the fact that you don’t bring home a paycheck anymore.
Your friends didn’t like him at first but they didn’t know why or if they did, they didn’t say. You knew they just didn’t understand him; you suspected a couple of them might even be a little jealous because their boyfriends and husband didn’t show them the love and attention they saw you getting. Now, you just keep up with them on social media. You occasionally comment on each other’s posts but that’s about it. Your family? Something always felt a bit off when he was around them. Your parents met him a couple of times but they didn’t seem thrilled about your new love match. Neither of them said anything, but your mom asked a couple of times if you were sure he was the one. When you said you were, she didn’t seem convinced, but she said okay.
You never fell out with your family or your friends. You don’t realize it but now? You’re alone. And completely dependent on someone who used to feel like your biggest supporter.
3. Manipulate: The Shift You Never Saw Coming
You mention the change—how he used to be more thoughtful, how the romance has faded. And now?
“Somebody around here’s got to work.”
You remind him that he was the one who encouraged you to leave your job. He remembers it differently.
“Nobody made you quit. I just told you to stop whining about it. You were miserable. Now I’m the one paying the bills and you’re still complaining.”
He tells you you changed. You used to be independent. You used to have friends. You used to take care of yourself.
“Now look at you.”
Suddenly, everything is your fault. He hasn’t changed—you have. He works, he pays the bills, and now he has to build up your self-esteem too?
“Do you even know how good you have it? There are plenty of women who would love to have someone paying their bills for them.”
4. Create False Narratives: The Story He Tells (And You Start to Believe)
He didn’t isolate you, you were just difficult.
You never had friends he liked because they never liked him.
You were always too sensitive.
You’re always complaining.
Every conversation starts to feel like a courtroom cross-examination, and somehow, you’re always the defendant. Even if you remember things differently, the longer he talks, the more you start to believe his version instead.
You begin to rewrite your own memories just to keep the peace.
5. Create False Image: Public Perception vs. Private Reality
To the outside world, he’s still the sweet guy who had roses delivered to your office on Valentine’s Day and learned to cook your favorite meal so he could surprise you with dinner. He’s charming and funny, and he’s a great provider. Even your dad mustered up something positive: “Well, the man works. I’ll give him that. Nobody can accuse him of being lazy.”
But nobody sees the cold dismissals. The back-handed compliments. They don’t see his face drop or hear the change in his voice as soon as the door closes behind you and it’s just the two of you. They never see how he can be so friendly and cheerful on the phone, but the minute he hangs up, he’s a completely different person- cold, distant, uncaring, unfeeling. They see how close you seem when you’re out for all the world to see. They don’t see behind closed doors, where the emotional distance stretches far beyond the tiny world you live in now.
He plays the part perfectly. He just doesn’t play it for you anymore.
6. Control: You Don’t Even Know It’s Happening
You find yourself monitoring everything you say. You’re walking on eggshells in your own home. You stop bringing up things that bother you because they’re always turned back on you. You start making excuses for him. He’s just tired, he’s stressed. He’s working such long hours.
But the digs keep coming:
“I wish I could lay around like you do all day.”
“Yeah, you’ve gained weight, okay? I’m still here paying the bills, right? ”
“I didn’t say supper was bad. I said it was ‘alright’. It was fine! I ate it, didn’t I? I’ve had worse.”
With every punch, your confidence shrinks a little more. You stop recognizing yourself.
7. Discard or Use: The Cold Choice Every Narcissist Eventually Makes
You know it, but you can’t bear to admit it, not to yourself, not to anyone: You’re not loved. You were never loved. He just made you believe you were. At first, you were used. Now, you’re tolerated.
Every compliment comes with a sting. Every good moment is followed by silence or guilt. You try to fix it, you work harder, but the effort is never returned. The silent treatments begin to last longer. He used to kiss you every morning. Now, you can’t remember the last time he hugged you.
In the end, he’ll hold onto you as long as you’re useful. If you stop being useful or if someone comes along who’s more useful, he’ll discard you.
Conclusion: This is the Pattern
If this sounds familiar, you are not being dramatic, you are not being too sensitive. You’re not crazy. You’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Your partner is a narcissist, and you are the victim of narcissistic abuse. You’ve been slowly, carefully, and methodically conditioned to think this is what love looks and feels like, and you’ve been isolated in a very calculated way from your coworkers, friends, and family.
This is the pattern of a narcissistic relationship. And it always follows this trajectory.
If you see yourself in this story, whether this is the conclusion is up to you. It’s not too late to rewrite the ending. Reach out to someone. Reconnect with people who made you feel like yourself before the fog set in. The hardest part is recognizing it and accepting it, but once you do, you can find your way back to yourself.
There is hope. Even if you think all hope is lost, you can find your way out of what was always and always will be a toxic, abusive relationship. If this is where you are right now, don’t let it be the end of any chance of a happy life. Let it be the beginning of something beautiful.
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