Understanding Narcissism: What It Is and Why It’s So Damaging
Explaining narcissism simply is a huge promise to live up to but because this blog is new, I want to explain narcissism as simply as I can- what it is, what it isn’t, what makes a narcissist, and how to deal with the narcissist in your life. I won’t get into things like psychopathic narcissism or malignant vs vulnerable narcissists. I also won’t discuss specifics of relationships with narcissist parents. We can discuss those things in future posts, but here, I’d like to limit the definition and discussion of narcissism in simple terms, or as simple as a discussion of narcissism can be.
We all display narcissistic traits from time to time, but a true narcissist, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is different. Narcissists are unhappy, miserable people, but you wouldn’t know it to look at them or listen to them. Whether they realize it or not, and more often they don’t, they need external sources of validation to have any sense of happiness. They will exploit and eventually destroy every relationship they have, and they’ll ultimately destroy themselves.
Core narcissistic traits include:
- Lack of empathy
- Sense of entitlement
- Constant need for admiration
- Obsession with control
- Inflated sense of self-importance
Narcissists and the Fire Analogy
Narcissists cannot and do not love themselves, and they’re incapable of truly loving anyone else. A narcissist can be likened to a fire. The bigger a fire grows, the more oxygen it consumes. The more validation and outward success a narcissist obtains, the more fuel they need. Nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. There’s never any satisfaction, only the need for more.
If you’ve ever seen a house on fire, you’ve seen the structure swell as if it’s breathing as the flames gasp for more air, more fuel. Eventually, the fire itself dies, and everything around it that hasn’t escaped or been saved is either consumed or destroyed. This is the life of a narcissist and those close to them.
For narcissists, everything and everyone around them, especially their partners and children, exist to serve their needs. They demand absolute control over narratives, their image, the people close to them, and they demand a constant supply of validation. These constitute the fuel a narcissist needs to continue burning. Those who comply are kept close; those who don’t are discredited and then discarded.
Where Narcissism Comes From
NPD is usually rooted in severe early childhood trauma. To survive the emotional trauma they weren’t able to process and cope with, the child built a false “self” to protect themselves. It is among the most extreme of coping mechanisms because the trauma that necessitates it is more extreme than most of us could imagine. As adults, that false self remains. The true self is gone forever.
Narcissists have no internal self-esteem or sense of self-worth, so they must constantly feed off external sources for that the validation that, but for their narcissism, they’d find from within.
Spouses and children are especially valuable sources of fuel, expected to make the narcissist look good, feed their ego, and never challenge their control. Anyone who refuses or threatens their image is eliminated from their life.
The Lonely End
Like a fire, a narcissist will eventually burn through everyone and everything. Narcissists don’t have partners. They have sources of fuel. They have victims. No marriage or partnership with a narcissist is tenable; it simply cannot be saved. It’s not love, it’s ownership.
It’s not love it’s ownership.
For partners and children, the only path to healing is
escape from the narcissist’s control. It isn’t easy. We do everything we can to make it work. And even once we become aware that we’re with a true narcissist, we feel for them because of the trauma that caused their narcissism in the first place. We feel for that child, we mourn for who they would’ve been if it hadn’t been for the emotional pain they endured.
We feel we’re just another person abandoning the narcissist. If we don’t feel it, the narcissist will do everything they can to make sure we do. They’ll start love-bombing again and we’ll get a period of respite. But after a few of those cycles, the partner of a narcissist begins to learn that it’s just that- a cycle, and that the abuse will never end.
When Children Are Involved
Full separation isn’t always possible when children are involved, but escape from the relationship is. It’s important to build a strong support system of trusted family and friends. You’ll need that emotional support going forward. It’s also important to keep communication limited to only what’s absolutely necessary as co-parents.
The narcissist will want to continue to engage you, and it’s so easy to mistake friendly conversation or seemingly nonchalant banter about good times or happy memories as a change in the narcissist. It never is, and the only way to protect yourself is to maintain the boundaries you put into place when you first left. Only with distance can you process the damage and begin to heal.
Treatment (or Lack Thereof)
Mental health professionals agree there’s no proven treatment for NPD. Narcissists can be made aware of their narcissism and even accept it, but self-aware narcissists will tell you, their awareness doesn’t change their behavior.
Some have speculated that controlled psychedelic therapy might be an answer, but the idea isn’t widely accepted. If it’s ever validated as an effective treatment, it will happen much later than sooner.
Why We Stay
People who are empathetic and compassionate are prime targets for narcissists. We’re susceptible to the initial love-bombing, and once we’ve fallen for them, we want to help heal their pain. Even when we know what they are, we want to stay, we want to fix them. We want to love them.
…empathy is the chain that keeps us tethered…
But empathy is the chain that keeps us tethered, and narcissists know it. They’ll cycle between abuse and brief periods of charm to keep us hooked. Some partners of narcissists live out their relationships until the bitter end. Those of us who manage to escape a narcissistic relationship are able to do so because we finally realize and accept that the abuse will never come to an end.
Leaving
Leaving a narcissist is never easy. The aftermath can be overwhelming. Support from friends, family, community, and ideally a therapist, is vital to your healing process. Even if you’ve been with the narcissist for decades, coming out of the fog begins with one question: “What just happened to me? What just happened in my life.”
Once you have people in your life who will support you and help you find those answers, you will begin to heal. It’s a process but eventually, you’ll begin to see it not the end of something horrible but the beginning of something beautiful, a new chapter in your life.
This is a very rudimentary description of narcissism, but I wrote this post to discuss some of the most basic aspects of narcissism and to give hope to anyone who’s in an abusive relationship. You can escape the chains and control of a narcissist and begin to find yourself again.
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